Communication

Keith was talking to me about something he just learned about and I had some additional information, so I told him that not only was what he told me the case but I also added in what I knew about it. I felt a reaction from Keith, though he didn’t say anything. It felt like he had been “put down”. So later I looked at what was going on in that exchange. Why did I comment to him? Why was I giving him more information? Why did Keith react like I had made him feel dumb? What was going on?

What I thought or believed I was doing was taking some additional information that was relevant and adding to what he already had, like building something, where one person puts down a block of wood and another one adds one on top of it. On a conscious level this is what I was doing. But, this isn’t what’s going on at all on a subconscious level.. As I looked at the tone of the communication, I saw my father, who always has to comment or add to whatever is being said to him to show that he knows everything already and knows more than anyone else. So I was communicating like my dad – something I couldn’t stand in my dad.

Even though it was not my intention to make Keith feel less than me or dumb or stupid, that’s what Keith feels when I do this. He has told me he feels stupid or dumb and I told him that I don’t see him that way, but in the particular way I communicate, I bring that up in him. He has tried to tell me about this, but I thought he was full of shit. Lol I see it now.

So, what’s playing out here?

Programming from my father as to how I communicate with people, wherein I comment in a way that causes them for feel that I am calling them stupid.

Which is programming he has, which he also did to me constantly, always making me feel and even telling me I didn’t know what I was talking about. So he doesn’t see it either – he doesn’t see how his words are affecting other people, just as I didn’t.

So in communicating with Keith, I was playing out the programming (role) of my father and Keith was playing out the role of me reacting to my father – thus feeling stupid, dumb and put down – as in a critical remark to make the person feel less than.

How cool that Keith mirrored this for me, so I could see this. I have been doing this all my life with people – what an asshole I’ve been. Sorry everyone.

Why have I done this? Well the programming from my father is that he feels inferior and does this to compensate and make himself feel superior, so I do the same thing. I can see it in him, so he is being a mirror for me to see it in me. It’s the same programming. My stepmother does this also, so she is also being a mirror for me to see it in me.

Also, I realize that my dad and stepmother haven’t realized how their words were affecting me, just I as I hadn’t realized how my words were affecting others.

So now that I see this what now? I immediately did verbal Self-Forgiveness as soon as this happened. Yesterday I shared with Keith what I realized I had been doing and he said yes I had been doing this and he was relieved that I shared this with him.

Now I am writing this all out to catch all the points and do written SF on them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my dad for communicating in a way that made me feel dumb.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my stepmother for communicating in a way that made me feel dumb.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for communicating in a way that made others feel dumb.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Keith and others at “full of shit” when they tried to tell me that I was making them feel stupid, because I didn’t believe that they were stupid and didn’t believe that I was saying anything to cause them to feel stupid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my Dad and stepmother for not realizing how their words were affecting me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need to feel superior from a place of inferiority and therefore communicate in a way that caused others to feel inferior to me and made me feel superior.

I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was not communicating in the same manner as my dad and stepmother, instead of being Self-Honest and looking without my own beliefs about what was going on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not listen to the people I communicating with in a manner that made them feel stupid when they tried to tell me what I was doing, but instead, stayed with my belief about what I was doing, and thus was lost in my mind and not being here in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lost in my mind and not here in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel at the effect and “victimized” by my father and stepmother’s method of communicating where I accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid or dumb and inferior, instead of realizing that this was just programming on their part and mine and instead being here in the breath and not being affected.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perpetuate this behavior onto the people around me, thus causing them to feel stupid or inferior, instead of stopping breathing and applying Self-Forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my dad and stepmother for making me feel dumb or stupid in their communication with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at other people for telling me that I made them feel stupid or dumb in my communication with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I need to add onto or contribute more to something that is being told to me, instead of being with what is being said without any movement in me, stable and constant and here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be annoyed that my father and stepmother feel the need to add onto or contribute more to something I tell them, because I realize that they are doing the same thing I do and have done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to communicate as though I know everything already and know more than anyone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself believe that I know everything already and know more than anyone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my father and stepmother as communicating as though they know everything already and know more than anyone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as being an asshole for treating people and myself in a way to cause pain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cause pain to others and myself.

I am not following my programming.
I am not in my mind when I communicate.
I am not in polarity of inferior/superior.
I am not communicating as a manipulation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to communicate as a manipulation.

I stop.
I breathe.
I am here.

I breathe in each moment and communicate from being here.
I remain stable and constant as the breath.
I communicate as assistance and support of all life.

For more information on Self-Forgiveness go to Desteni.

Back To Tara

Well after using Linda for awhile, Tara has lost it's old "charge" of the associations with that name and since most people know me as Tara, I'm going back to using that name again.

It's not the name anyway, it's the starting point in using it. So for simplicity's sake - Tara is the name I'm using now, but not to hide from who I am, but to use it as a nickname that most know me as.

My Name

Well I've been going by a nick name "Tara", since I was about 16, but I realized that this nickname was really a way to avoid how unhappy I was as Linda, so it was a form of self-deception and hiding. so I am going back to Linda, which will take a while since everything possible is set up under Tara. I told my family I was going back to Linda last Sunday when I went home for Easter. They of course were happy, since they never understood why I picked Tara over my given name.

I got the nickname because when i was 16, a friend decided that it suited me better, and I had a dream about people calling me Tara when I was 12, so it made sense at the time. But in actuality, it was because it seemed more "spiritual" and special than plain old Linda. Since I am not interested in being "spiritual" anymore, now that I understand, thanks to Desteni, that because of polarity in the world, to be spiritual - ie: good, loving, kind, compassionate - is to enforce the opposite in the world - which is the last thing I ever intended and since I am in the process of dissolving all "specialness" in myself - then to continue to use the name Tara is inappropriate.

So it's back to Linda, which is taking a bit of getting used to, but it does cause me to focus on who I am when I am called Linda, so it is a reminder of my commitment to be Self-Honest.